What do I Still Need to Learn after 48 years of Marriage?

You’d think I’d be farther along, but every day, I realize there’s much more to learn about loving, supporting, and affirming my bride.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

Grace is treating someone better than they deserve

On June 25^th, 1977, at 3 p.m., I had the supreme honor and joy of receiving Kristi Peggram as my precious wife. She is the most precious gift that the Father has ever given me: Godly in character and pure in heart, beautiful inside and out, totally in love with Jesus, and she loves me. My gratefulness to the Father for His grace and faithfulness knows no bounds. Grace is treating someone better than they deserve. God truly did that for me. I’m writing this on our 48^th anniversary.

A little background

I was born to a farming family in Tennessee in 1951. Mine was a good family. In church every Sunday, good neighbors and responsible people. Economically, we didn’t have much, but all our needs were met.

There were secrets, however. In the 1950’s you didn’t talk about your feelings, and you surely didn’t admit you had problems! Dad was often aggressively angry. Mom was overly fearful and worried. Both of them had childhood and adolescent wounds that had never healed, or even been addressed.

Cries for acceptance, affirmation, and encouragement went unanswered and, unfortunately, unhealed wounds and traumas get passed on.

Unresolved trauma never goes away on its own

A traumatic shame event happened to me when I was about 5 years old. I wasn’t sexually abused, per se, but it was sexual in nature – and I remember it as if it happened yesterday. Living in fear of failing my dad and experiencing his volatile anger caused deep trauma. Then, after the 5^th grade, the farm we lived on was sold, and we had to move to town. This devastated me and made me incredibly fearful and angry.

The big 3: Shame, Fear, and Anger ran rampant in my soul.

So now shame, fear, and anger were permanent fixtures in my life. Even though I had trusted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and was part of a good church, none of my traumas were ever addressed. I was stuck and didn’t know it.

Leadership was my survival, but it didn’t heal me

As a coping mechanism, I became a leader. Although still painfully shy, I somehow found my voice and spoke up. By high school, I was elected to top leadership positions at church and school. In college, I served as president of my local and state Baptist Student Unions. Leadership became my thing. It was my survival.

Sensing God’s call to ministry, I served churches in various roles and enrolled in seminary in Texas in 1975. I met and fell in love with Kristi while serving at Glorieta Conference Center in New Mexico.

You may be wondering when I’m gonna get to what I’m learning about marriage, right?

Getting married didn’t fix me either

Well, suffice it to say that on our wedding day, I got a prize, but Kristi didn’t. I looked good in public, performed well, and, amazingly, God used me greatly and in many ways. My preaching and teaching were effective and fruitful. Inside, however, I was a broken mess, and I didn’t know it. I desperately needed help, and I didn’t realize it. You can’t imagine how it pains me to write those words. I desperately needed help – I didn’t know it.

God does use messy broken people. I qualify. Maybe you do, too.

The book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? described me perfectly.

“Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? Well, you may not like who I am, and who I am is all I’ve got.”

It was a very lonely and fearful place to live, but I just assumed I was normal and that everyone around me was living the same way. Everyone’s life is broken and messy, right? With God’s help, we just had to keep on one step at a time.

Ours could have been described as a “typical” newlywed marriage with newlywed adjustments. Later, it could have been described as a “good” marriage. We were making it. We were serving Jesus, leading others to Him, and teaching others to share Christ as well. We served as missionaries overseas. We made disciples who are still making disciples. Our ministry was effective.

Longing for intimacy - needing healing

The “problem” was that Kristi was not fulfilled, much less happy with a marriage that just kept taking the next step. Behind closed doors, there were many tears and much pain. The real problem was that I was incapable of true intimacy. That’s what Kristi desired: intimacy, transparency, and the mutual sharing of life and feelings. She wanted to know me intimately and for me to love her with my whole heart. In my defense (and I have no defense), I thought I already was, but obviously, it wasn’t working.

We began the deep work on healing our mutual traumas many years ago. Her traumas were significant, too. I (we) began to move toward healing and real freedom. She now knows who I am and, amazingly, she still loves me. Miracles of grace and mercy have preserved us thus far, and grace will lead us home.

There is hope!

So what have I learned about marriage? I could write books about what not to do, but I do want to share a few insights that we have learned and continue to learn about living out a loving, Christ-honoring marriage. We continue to grow in these 4 areas (and many more!):

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Be Present – Turn off that device!

I desire to be truly and completely present with Kristi. Distractions are pervasive and persistent, but nothing is more important than being intimately, gracefully present with my precious wife. I’ve learned to turn off the phone or TV when we are talking. I ask her often, “How am I doing being present with you?”

Progress is happening. After a recent family gathering, I got the following text from our son. Blake, “I noticed you were much more present with me and the girls on Sunday. I really appreciate it. Love you!”

Be kind and loving in everything you do! 1 Corinthians 16:14

“Let all that you do be done in love” seems to be the standard translation of this verse, but reversing the order makes a profound impact. It flows and connects deeper into my heart.

Be kind and loving in everything you do. This is now my life verse. Am I perfect at it? Hardly. But my heart’s desire is to respond to Kristi with gentleness and kindness at all times. I fail frequently and I ask forgiveness often, but when this is my aim, our marriage is stronger and sweeter.

Kristi and I are professional coaches. During our coach training, we took a brief, simple assessment called Mindframes. It measures one’s perspective on the world. Kristi scored “off the charts” on Sensitivity! Can you imagine being married to me and longing for sensitivity? (Don’t answer that.) Well, I have a certain tone of voice, and it’s neither kind nor sensitive. So I’ve set an alert in my soul, activated by the Holy Spirit, that goes off when that tone arises. My heart desires to affirm her with words of kindness and love.

Care for your soul for your sake and the sake of your spouse.

One of the best things we have ever done for our marriage, our souls, and our ministry was to attend the Soul Care Experience at Potter’s Inn, Divide, Colorado. Please hear this: If you don’t care for your soul, no one else will! So start Soul Care now. Nothing has transformed us and our marriage like practicing Soul Care.

Kristi first read Embracing Soul Care by Stephen W. Smith. We recommend you start there. It was at Potter’s Inn that I experienced and was captivated by Belovedness. If you care for your souls individually and as a couple, your marriage will be better. [i] (click here for my post, What is Belovedness?)

Don’t click Send! (Proof well, check your emotions, don’t make things worse)

I do spiritual direction and coaching with many men. Occasionally, their marriages are in turmoil. It’s interesting to note that many arguments begin over something small, a difference of opinion or perspective. Amazingly, a small disagreement can escalate to a major blow-up.

I’ve discovered this principle and boundary that I practice every day. Don’t click send! It works with email and texts, as well as with words spoken to my wife. Everything I think does not need to be said! Every opinion I have does not need to be expressed. After all, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

Remember, be kind and loving in everything you do. One of our soul care mentors spoke strongly to his wife. To which, she calmly replied, “Is that how you speak to God’s Beloved?” I’m continually, thankfully reminded that I’m married to God’s Beloved.

We don’t remember days, we remember moments. My goal for the rest of my days is to give Kristi days of “moments” fondly remembered because I’ve touched her heart with love.

How is your marriage today? What is the impact of unhealed trauma on your life and marriage?

Photo by Rachael Crowe on Unsplash

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[i] Soul Care resources: Embracing Soul Care, Stephen W Smith – The book that started our Soul Care journey, https://www.pottersinn.com/

Steve Smith on Substack: https://pottersinn.substack.com/

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